


A Night to Remember

by QueenAthenaTheFirst



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Comedy, F/M, Fluff, Funny, M/M, Onesies, and frying pans, but it will make you forget the drama that's happening in the manga right now, chichi is a chihuahuah, chichi is the devil, i'll add more later on, it also contains a butter knife, it's kind of stupid, so that's good, so why not, this is totally an AU, what more do you want in a fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-05
Updated: 2016-06-26
Packaged: 2018-04-13 01:12:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4502091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenAthenaTheFirst/pseuds/QueenAthenaTheFirst
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Who knew that: a dinosaur onesie, a butter knife, a stranger with striking green eyes, a pair of lacy pink underwear, and an audition for a horror movie would lead to a series of bizarre night experiences?<br/>Jean certainly didn't.</p><p>AKA: The AU that no one asked for</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. And so it begins

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, if this is your first time reading one of my fics you should know that English in not my mother language so I might have made some grammar mistakes. Feel free to comment them below so that I can fix them ^o^

Jean always wanted to become an actor. Ever since he was a child, he dreamt of the day he would see his name being written on the big screen. So it came to no surprise that at the age of 18 he decided to audition for a minor role for a new TV show. Even though it was a very very small part, he wanted to make an impression.

So there he was, at 3 AM, in his small apartment, practicing his there’s a guy who’s about to murder me scream, wearing a Pikachu onesie. Don’t blame him; all his other pajamas where dirty and he was too bored to actually do the laundry (plus he didn’t know how to), and it’s not as if he was expecting company.

There was suddenly a loud crash, and a boy, around the age of Jean, barged through the door, accidentally breaking it, while holding a butter knife?

“FREEZE” the guy, who was actually wearing a dinosaur onesie, shouted. “I am armed” he pointed the butter knife at Jean who was too dumbfounded to even make a sound, but he did notice that the guy was wearing a woman’s underwear so that only his eyes could be seen.

After a huge staring contest those two boys had, Jean finally decided to say something: “Who the fuck are you and why the fuck do you think that you can fucking hurt me with a fucking butter knife?” His mother had taught him manners but he really couldn’t act nice to someone who fucking broke his door; does that person even know how much it’s gonna cost him to fucking buy a new one. He will make him pay for a new door, maybe even a fancier one.

“Wait” the pink panties guy said “You’re not being killed by some psycho” he stated.

Jean glared at him “No shit Sherlock”.

“WHAT THE HELL DUDE, I THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE BEING MURDERED AND MIKASA WAS NOT HOME SO I WAS LIKE: MAN I MUST SAVE THIS POOR SOUL. BUT IT TURNS OUT YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT WHO THINKS IT’S FUNNY TO SCREAM LIKE A MANIAC AT 3 AM”.

“Are you fucking kidding me right now, not only do you break my door but you also DARE SAY THAT ALL OF THIS WAS MY FAULT”. Jean could not believe the nerve of this guy. “AND WHY THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING PINK PANTIES ON YOUR FACE YOU PERVERT”.

The guy widened his eyes “I’M NOT A PERVERT AND IT’S NOT MY FAULT THAT YOUR DOOR WAS SO EASY TO BREAK”.

“DON’T BLAME MY DOOR”.

“THEN DON’T BLAME ME FOR WANTING TO SAVE YOUR SORRY ASS”.

The pink panties guy walks past Jean and goes to his fridge where his pulls out a beer.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Jeans asks him.

“I think I deserve a beer after all of this”.

“Wait- You think that you deserve a beer. I fucking deserve that beer, now give it to me!” He attacks the pink panties guy trying to take the beer from his hands.

If two hours earlier you would have said to Jean that he would be fighting a guy wearing girl’s panties and a dinosaur onesie for a beer he would laugh in your face and tell you to go see a psychiatrist. At least, none of his friends where here to see this mess.

“Hey Jean, why’s your door open? Anyways I decided to come by and help you with your role for this shitty TV show you want to audition for and HOLLY SHIT WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING”. 

Speak of the devil, his childhood friend Connie Springer, had seen the crime scene. ‘At least he’s not taking any pictures’ Jean thought.

But Jean knew Connie, so it came to no surprise to him to see the familiar flash-light flash in front of him and pink panties guy. ‘Could this night get any worse’ Jean thought.

“Hey man, I hope you don’t mind that I sent the picture to all of our friends” that little cheeky bastard grinned.

“NO WAIT!” pink panties dude said.

‘Finally’ Jean thought ‘Connie might not listen to me but I’m pretty sure he’ll listen to that guy’.

“You didn’t take my good side”.

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW? HE TOOK A PICTURE OF AS WRESTLING FOR A BEER, AND DO YOU WANT ME TO REMIND YOU THAT YOU’RE DRESSED AS A PERVERTED DINOSAUR. AND THE ONLY THING YOU FUCKING CARE ABOUT IS THAT HE DIDN’T TAKE A PICTURE OF YOUR GOOD SIDE! That’s it; I lost my faith in humanity”.

“Oh come on now Jean-o, don’t be such a drama queen”.

“YOU WOULD BE TOO IF SOMEONE BARGED INTO YOUR HOUSE DRESSED LIKE THAT WHILE HOLDING A BUTTER KNIFE”.

Connie stared at the intruder “Seriously dude, a butter knife!”.

“Don’t blame me, it was the only clean cutlery I had in my house”.

“And why the hell are you dressed like that?”.

“Well I was already getting ready to go to bed, hence the onesie. But then I heard this horseface over here screaming. So I thought that he was getting murdered, but if he was really getting murdered, I wouldn’t have wanted the murderer/thief to see my face and then later on find out my real identity; so I grabbed the first thing I found that resembled a mask, which turned out to be Mikasa’s panties. But I also had to be armed, hence the butter knife. After that I run into his apartment, accidentally breaking his door”.

“Oh it makes sense” Connie smiled at the stranger.

“STOP” Jean desperately shouted, he could no longer stand this bullshit.

“Wait a minute” the stranger added.

“Fill my cup put some liquor in it” Connie proudly said.

“THAT IS IT. ALL OF YOU, OUT. I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOUR FACES IN THIS APARTMENT EVER AGAIN”.

“But you don’t even know what I actually look like” pink panties guy said.

Jean then did what any reasonably adult would have done in his position. He jumped on top of the stranger trying to take his “mask” off. The stranger of course would not let him do it, so that led to a 5 minute struggling that ended when Jean decided to tickle the guy.

“It’s not fair” the guy who now had a face said.

‘And wow what a face’ Jean thought ‘No wait, think straight. Girls, what do girls wear, panties, who wore panties, the hot perverted guy who was now lying under Jean. Geesh, thanks a lot Jean. You’re welcome Jean’.

Jean was so out of trance he didn’t notice that he was staring at the striking green eyes of the stranger, nor had he noticed that the stranger was also staring at him.

“You know guys, if I weren’t here I’m pretty sure you would have made out” Connie once again ruined everything “Too bad I’m here and I’m bored, what do you say Jean-o. Don’t you think it’s time to practice for your role?”.

Jeans’ eyes widened and he abruptly got up “Fuck Connie, you’re right!”.

“I can help you with that” the stranger said when he got up. He then proceeded to let out the most drum breaking scream Jean had ever heard in his entire life. It was a mix between a goat dying and a donkey giving birth. Jean was sure that in-between that horrifying scream, he heard some glasses breaking. The stranger was smiling proudly when he finished screaming.

“WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK WAS THAT?” Jean shouted.

“That my friend is my super amazing secret move. I use this technique on anyone I want to make them do whatever I please”.

“You’re an idiot” Jean said.

“I know, by the way let me introduce myself, my name is Eren. Eren Jaeger” Eren grinned.

“Nice to meet you Eren, the name’s Connie and this idiot over there is Jean”. Connie smiled politely.

A second crash was heard from Jean’s apartment this night. This time it was from the next door neighbors Reiner and Bertholdt who both of them where armed with pans. It didn’t really help that Eren, form his surprise, had decided that moment to throw the panties that he had finally gotten from Jean, at Reiner’s face. 

‘This is gonna be a night to remember’ Jean thought as he saw Reiner pointing his frying pan at Eren and telling him to run.


	2. Chichi the Devil

Jean considered himself an animal lover. So when Sasha asked him to take care of her Chihuahua he happily accepted her request. What he didn’t expect was that he would be taking care of the incarnation of Devil himself.

So that’s why he was on top of the kitchen counter, at 4am, holding a pan and screaming every time Chichi barked (so like once every two or three seconds). If you ask him in the future, he will deny the “girly” sounds that where coming out from his mouth.

That’s when Eren fucking Yeager decides to barge into his house, breaking Jean’s new pink door and this time wearing a bra on his head. Thankfully he had changed his dinosaur onesie for something more mature; a cow onesie.  
On the bright side, Chichi decided to attack Eren, on the not so bright side; Eren (a cat lover) decided to hop onto Jean’s counter and not run for help.

“What the hell are you doing Yeager?” Jean shouted at him.

“What the hell are you doing horse-face?” Eren shouted back at him.

“What the hell do you think I’m doing?” Jean shouted once again, this time almost falling from the counter. He hung onto Eren for dear life. But because Eren was afraid that he would also fall, he did a Lion King move and let Jean fall into his death. So there he was, Jean Kirstein, at 4:05 am, falling straight in to the claws of the monster.  
He was shouting, screaming, trying to claw his way up to the counter, but it was too late; Chichi was too fast for him, too smart, too strong.

The cries of Jean could be heard all the way to England (why England you might ask… well why the fuck not). Eren was hunched over, half crying half laughing “JEEEEEEAN! OH MY GOD HE IS DYING”.

At that moment Connie Springer decided to barge in. ‘Jean has no idea why Connie always fucking visits him between 1-6am. Can’t they just fucking eat brunch like normal people? Why does this always has to happen to him’

Jean might have continued with these philosophical questions (while being murdered by Chichi the Devil) but thankfully the monster found a new target.  
Chichi run up to Connie and started licking him. Chichi was ecstatic; his tail was wagging back and forth, and his bark seemed less menacing.  
Jean was so shocked, he didn’t know what to say; “WHAT THE FUCK?” 

One day he’ll remember the manners that his mama had taught him when he was a small boy, but he can be excused for this time, he was almost fucking murdered; he has the right to swear. 

“Come on now Jean, you know better than to use cuss words,” that bastard, Connie smiled at him “what would your mother say?”.

Meanwhile Eren decided it was time to act like “an adult” and take the pink bra off his head.  
Jean was looking up to him from the floor. Eren looked majestic; from this angle Eren had a double chin, and Jean could distinguish a small booger in his left nostril.

Before the attack, Jean wanted to have a midnight snack (more like a 3:50 am snack). So he decided to make a mug recipe. Well, he needed some eggs, but Jean is a horrible cook so he decided to break the eggs on the counter (the one where Eren was standing at the moment). Long story short, the dog attacked, he left the egg yolk on the counter and went to grab a pan.

So when Eren decided to get off the counter, his slipped on the egg yolk and fell right on top of Jean.

Jean was once again staring into Eren’s beautiful green eyes. ‘Beautiful who said beautiful… quick Jean, think of something else; your grandma, think of your grandma. Isn’t she an amazing cook? She loves making eggs and you also wanted to use eggs for your mug recipe but the egg yolk fell on the counter and Eren slipped off the counter and onto you, and now you’re starring at his handsome stupid face. Bravo Jean, you did it again! No shit Sherlock.’

This intimate moment would have lasted longer if Connie hadn’t had the brilliant idea of once again being a cunt and; taking a picture of Jean all bloodied up and Eren laying on top of him, and then sending it to all of his friends. (Jean might not admit it in the future but he had that picture for two weeks straight as his phone background).

“Did you get my good side?” Eren asked.

“Yeah don’t worry” Connie replied.

“Why is it that every time you two interact I want to kill myself?” Jean half shouted but no one answered to him. They were more focused on talking about Yeager's good looks.

After three minutes of being ignored, Jean said “Well that was fun, but I have a kitchen to clean and a demon to take care of”.

At that moment Eren saw a cockroach and let out his demon shriek. It felt like it was more horrible than before. This time you could also distinguish the sound of a cat getting impregnated by a cow (why a cow you might ask…well Jean has a weird imagination) The Horrible Animal Choir was sadly back.

“For fuck’s sake… SHUT THE FUCK UP” Jean, then made the horrible decision of shutting Eren up by kissing him. The kiss was not horrible per se, actually it was not even a kiss more of a peck but it did shut him up. 

Jean didn’t know what to say or think, well he did know what to think and that was a bride ‘FUUUUUUCK’ followed by her bridesmaids’ ‘fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck’.  
Eren was also eerie silent, staring at Jean. His mouth was moving but he was not speaking.

That’s when Reiner once again barged in and saved the day. From the last incident, Eren was scared of Reiner (he would not take the elevator with him, he changed his washing routine, he even started going to another supermarket that was fifteen minutes far from his old one).

The minute he saw him, he stood up and fucking run for his life. Reiner went after him, this time holding a butter knife in his hand. ‘Why is it always a butter knife?’ Jean wondered.  
Connie looked at Jean and smirked “This really is a night you’ll wish you could forget Jeann-ooo” he taunted.

Jean would have put his middle finger up to him if Chichi had not decided that moment that his sofa was actually a pretty awesome place to poop. And not the hard poop –no- that would be too easy for Jean to clean. Chichi had diarrhea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it ^-^

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it :) Please leave a comment to make my day ^o^


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